We all have moments where we wonder whether we might need to change something about what or how we are approaching an ongoing barrier or obstacle. Maybe it's finally tackling that long-neglected project, embracing a healthier lifestyle, or quitting a bad habit.
But often, the desire to change collides with our own internal resistance leaving us stuck in a loop of wanting and not wanting. What if there was a way to overcome that inner conflict and "talk yourself into change"?
Introducing Motivational Interviewing (MI), a powerful approach that can help you tap into your own inner resources to achieve personal growth. MI is often used by various counselors, coaches, and therapists, but the core principles can be applied to any area of your life, allowing you to potentially guide yourself towards positive change.
Keep reading to explore how to "talk yourself into change" using MI.
1. Embrace the Power of Ambivalence
Ambivalence is the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something. It's essentially the feeling of being pulled in two different directions at once. Think of it as a scale with both "wanting" and "not wanting" on opposite sides.
Why Do We Experience Ambivalence?
Fear of the Unknown: Change often involves stepping into the unknown, and that can be unsettling. We might fear failure, discomfort, or losing something we value.
Comfort of the Familiar: Our brains are wired to favor routine and predictability. Change disrupts that comfort, which can trigger resistance.
Loss of Identity: The change might challenge our sense of self, making us question who we are or what we stand for.
Conflicting Values: Sometimes, the change we desire might conflict with other important values we hold. This can create a moral dilemma.
The Power of Accepting Ambivalence
Trying to push through ambivalence by ignoring or suppressing your doubts often backfires. It can lead to feelings of frustration, guilt, or overwhelm. Instead, embrace ambivalence by:
Accepting It: Refrain from judging yourself for experiencing both a desire and a resistance to change a behavior. It's perfectly normal to feel conflicted when attempting to grow and change in new ways.
Exploring Both Sides: This is where the real power of ambivalence lies. It's an opportunity to gain clarity about your motivations.
Write it Down: Get a pen and paper (or open a digital note) and write down all the reasons why you want to make the change. Really explore the positive aspects, the potential benefits, and the life you envision for yourself if you follow through.
Acknowledge Resistance: Now, do the same for the reasons you don't want to change. Write down all the concerns, fears, doubts, and potential drawbacks. Don't try to suppress or minimize these feelings; simply acknowledge them honestly.
Analyze Objectively: Once you have a clear list of both sides, analyze your reasons objectively. Are your fears realistic? Are your motivations strong enough to outweigh the potential drawbacks? By carefully considering all aspects, you'll be better equipped to make an informed decision.
Examples of Ambivalence in Action
Starting a New Exercise Routine: You might be excited about the health benefits, but dread the idea of giving up time spent sleeping or relaxing on feeling sore.
Quitting Smoking: You want to improve your health but also fear the cravings and potential weight gain associated with quitting a smoking habit.
Changing Careers: You're passionate about a new field, but worry about financial security and leaving a familiar job.
Confronting a Difficult Relationship: You're aware of some red flags in a relationship, but you're scared of conflict and losing someone you care about.
2. Initiate a Self-Reflection Dialogue
Ask Yourself Guiding Questions
Use MI-style questions to guide your reflection. These questions are designed to help you delve deeper into your thoughts and feelings about the change you're considering:
"What are the benefits of making this change?"
This helps you focus on the positive outcomes, envisioning the future you desire. By imagining the rewards, you can build anticipation and excitement for the change.
"What might make it difficult or challenging?"
This encourages you to acknowledge the potential obstacles and challenges without fear or judgment. By acknowledging the challenges upfront, you can develop strategies to address them and increase your chances of success.
"What are my personal values, and how do they align with this change?"
This prompts you to connect your desired change with your core values, providing a deeper sense of purpose and meaning. When your actions are aligned with your values, you're more likely to stay motivated and committed.
"What are my strengths and resources that could help me succeed?"
This question shifts your focus from challenges to solutions, reminding you of your capabilities and support systems. Recognizing your strengths can boost your confidence and inspire you to take action.
Listen to Your Inner Voice
This is perhaps the most crucial aspect of self-reflection. Our minds often house a multitude of voices:
The Voice of Desire:
This voice is driven by your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. It might tell you about the benefits of change, the exciting possibilities, and the person you can become.
The Voice of Resistance:
This voice is often fueled by fear, uncertainty, and the comfort of the familiar. It might point out the challenges, the potential risks, or the sacrifices involved in making a change.
The Voice of Reason:
This voice seeks to balance your emotions and desires with logic and practicality. It might help you analyze the pros and cons, assess your resources, and develop a realistic plan for change.
The Benefits of This Internal Dialogue
Increased Self-Awareness:
By actively engaging in self-reflection, you gain a deeper understanding of your motivations, values, and the underlying reasons behind your desire for change.
Reduced Resistance:
When you acknowledge and explore your doubts and fears, you often find they lose some of their power. The act of understanding these voices can help you move past resistance and embrace change with more confidence.
Increased Motivation:
By focusing on the benefits, aligning your change with your values, and identifying your strengths, you can tap into a wellspring of motivation to move forward.
Enhanced Decision Making:
This process of self-reflection can help you make more informed decisions about your path to change. By clarifying your values and understanding the potential obstacles, you can choose a course of action that aligns with your goals and resources.
Remember! Engaging in a self-reflection dialogue is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. By consistently revisiting these questions and listening to your inner voice, you can cultivate a deeper understanding of yourself and foster greater motivation to create positive change in your life.
3. Elicit Your Own "Change Talk"
In motivational interviewing (MI), "change talk" refers to the language we use to express our desire for change, our commitment to making it happen, and our belief in our ability to succeed. This language is crucial because it reinforces our motivation and shifts our focus from resistance to action.
Here's a closer look at the purpose and benefits of the three strategies outlined in "3. Elicit Your Own 'Change Talk'" to empower you to talk yourself into change:
Focus on the Positive
This first of three strategies will need to be applied in connection with the other strategies listed below. Keep in mind that focusing on the positive is a key strategy but may not be enough to effectively change your behavior on its own.
Purpose:
To remind yourself of the positive impact this change will have on your life.
To shift your perspective from the obstacles to the potential rewards.
To ignite your passion for the change you seek.
Benefits:
Creates a Vision: By visualizing the benefits and the life you envision for yourself after making the change, you create a powerful image that can inspire and motivate you to take action.
Boosts Motivation: When you focus on the positive, you activate your desires and aspirations. This can help you overcome negative thoughts and feelings that might be holding you back.
Builds Hope: Focusing on your hopes and dreams helps you believe that change is possible and that you can achieve your goals.
How to Do It
Write It Down: Grab a pen and paper or open a digital note. Write down all the reasons why you want to make this change. Be specific about the positive outcomes, the benefits it will bring, and the dreams it will help you achieve. This can take some time as you genuinely consider the potential positive outcomes of the change.
Verbalize Your Desires: Talk to yourself out loud about the reasons why you want this change. Speak with conviction, enthusiasm, and a sense of hope. Consider recording yourself or speaking to a mirror if you feel uncomfortable talking alone.
Imagine the Future: Take time to visualize the positive outcomes. Imagine yourself having achieved the change, experiencing the benefits, and feeling the joy and satisfaction that comes with it. Take a few moments to verbally describe those outcomes to help organize your ideas into a concrete visualization.
Identify Your Strengths
This second strategy, which focuses on identifying past successes and existing skills, works in tandem with focusing on the positive to build confidence and motivation. While acknowledging your strengths is encouraging, it's important to remember that self-belief alone may not be sufficient to overcome challenges.
Purpose:
To recognize your past successes and capabilities.
To remind yourself of your ability to overcome challenges.
To build confidence in your ability to make the change.
Benefits:
Boosts Self-Esteem: Recognizing your past successes reinforces your belief in yourself and your capacity to achieve new things.
Reduces Fear of Failure: When you remember your past accomplishments, you're less likely to fear failure. You know you have the skills and resilience to overcome obstacles.
Provides Inspiration: Your past successes can provide a powerful source of inspiration and motivation to keep moving forward on your journey of change.
How to Do It:
Reflect on Past Successes: Think back on times when you overcame challenges or achieved goals. Write down or verbalize these accomplishments, focusing on the skills and resources you used to achieve them.
Identify Your Strengths: List your personal strengths and positive attributes. These can be anything from determination, resilience, creativity, or problem-solving abilities.
Remember Your Support System: Acknowledge the people who have supported you in the past. Their belief in you can be a powerful source of strength and motivation.
Minimize Resistance
This final strategy, addressing resistance with a combination of acceptance and redirection, complements the previous strategies by helping you navigate those inner doubts and fears. While recognizing resistance is important, the key is to gently redirect your focus back to the positive reasons for change, recognizing that even with acceptance of resistance, effective change still requires action and commitment.
Purpose:
To address your doubts and fears without dismissing or judging them.
To refocus your attention on the positive reasons for change.
To prevent resistance from derailing your motivation.
Benefits:
Reduces Emotional Blockage: By acknowledging your resistance, you acknowledge your feelings rather than trying to suppress or ignore them. This can help to lessen their impact and reduce their ability to block your progress.
Maintains Momentum: When you shift your focus back to the positive, you maintain your momentum and avoid getting stuck in a cycle of negativity.
Prevents Sabotage: By addressing resistance early on, you can prevent it from becoming a major obstacle to your change efforts.
How to Do It:
Acknowledge Resistance: When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts or arguing against change, don't dismiss or criticize them. Gently acknowledge these feelings. For example, you might say to yourself, "I understand that I'm feeling scared, but I also know that I can overcome this."
Reframe Resistance: Try to reframe your resistance as a sign of your commitment to making a good decision. For example, you might say, "I'm only resisting because I want to make sure this change is right for me."
Shift Your Focus: Once you've acknowledged your resistance, shift your focus back to the positive reasons for change. Remind yourself of your hopes, dreams, and the benefits of making the change.
Remember! Change talk is an ongoing conversation. By consistently focusing on the positive, acknowledging your strengths, and minimizing resistance, you can build a strong internal foundation for change.
4. Commit to Action:
For this step, we'll build on the earlier stages with a focus on self-compassion to address the planning and preparation for making a change:
Setting Realistic Goals and Creating a Plan
A SMART goals is one that is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound.
Let's look at an example:
It's important to eat healthier.
SMART Goal: "I will eat at least five servings of fruits and vegetables per day for the next two weeks."
Specific: Clearly defines what you'll do (eat fruits and vegetables).
Measurable: A specific quantity (five servings) makes progress trackable.
Achievable: This goal is realistic for most people.
Relevant: Aligned with the broader goal of eating healthier.
Time-Bound: A deadline (two weeks) keeps you focused.
Breakdown into Steps: Create a plan with manageable steps.
Week 1:
Research healthy recipes with fruits and vegetables.
Plan two meals a day that include five servings.
Buy the necessary ingredients for those meals.
Week 2:
Prepare and eat those meals consistently.
Gradually incorporate more fruits and vegetables into your other meals.
Benefits of SMART Goals and Plans
Clarity and Focus: Specific goals provide clarity and direction, making your efforts more purposeful and effective.
Motivation: Breaking down large goals into manageable steps can reduce overwhelm and boost motivation by making progress feel achievable.
Track Progress: Measurable goals allow you to monitor your progress, providing a sense of accomplishment and encouragement to continue.
Visualizing Success with Self-Compassion
Visualizing: Close your eyes and imagine yourself achieving your goal. What does it feel like? What are you doing? How do you feel?
For example, imagine yourself confidently preparing and enjoying a healthy, colorful meal with fresh fruits and vegetables.
Benefits of Visualization:
Boosts Confidence: Visualizing success helps build confidence and a belief in your ability to reach your goal.
Increases Motivation: When you imagine yourself achieving your goals, you can better envision the positive outcomes, fueling your motivation to take action.
Reduces Anxiety: Visualization can help reduce anxiety by familiarizing you with the process of change and making it feel more manageable.
Self-Compassion: Change is a process, not a straight line. Be patient with yourself, recognize that setbacks are a part of the journey, and learn from your experiences.
For example, if you slip up and miss your goal of eating five servings one day, don't get discouraged. Acknowledge your feelings, adjust your plan if needed, and continue striving toward your goals.
Benefits of Self-Compassion:
Increased Resilience: Self-compassion helps you bounce back from setbacks more easily and maintain motivation.
Reduced Shame and Guilt: Instead of feeling shame or guilt, self-compassion allows you to view mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.
Remember! The key is to embrace the journey. Be patient, kind to yourself, and continue to adjust your plans as needed. By combining commitment with self-compassion, you can turn your vision for change into a reality.
Download and use this worksheet with this article to help guide your reflections:
Click Here to learn about how to effectively identify potential goals that can address common barriers and obstacles in a person's life with my Quadrant Model. You can also seek out a professional coach, counselor, or therapist who may be able to help you to identify goals and talk through potential barriers and obstacles over time.
MI is a powerful tool for anyone seeking personal growth. It empowers you to harness your own inner strength and motivation to achieve your goals. By practicing these techniques, you can learn to talk yourself into change and create the life you desire.
Ready to start your journey of self-transformation? Connect to learn more about how this practice can help you make long-term, transformational change toward your ideal self!